The Grae Area is a series that tackles Morality (what’s right and wrong) and everything in between. After my pilot post, I’ve decided to talk about a more recent and very personal experience on revenge.
This is going to be downright honest so expect swear words when I deem them necessary.
I had said in my previous post (part 1) that I wasn’t going to delve into details because I didn’t want to make the issue bigger than it already was, but I realize that context is very important in any story.
Before starting the Grae Area series, I thought the purpose of my blog was to inspire. Now I realize that its real purpose is to educate and to make people understand the workings of the gray area (the fickle not-white, not-black, not-right, not-wrong area)
This is very very personal but I needed to put it down somewhere because I’m tired of repeating myself. I know what I did and I know why I did what I did. I’m not some moron who’s just going to say that “oops! I didn’t know at that time.”
If you’re going to condemn me for defending myself and lashing out against someone who attempted to destroy not only my marriage but someone else’s as well, please do so but AFTER you’ve read everything (all 5 parts).
There are quotes about Forgiveness that make you think it’s the right thing to do. Oh yes, I will start with forgiveness quotes just to sweeten the irony. Don’t worry, each of these quotes will have their own Overthinking Series post when I find time.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” -Ghandi (yes, yet another Ghandi quote)
but I’m going to rebutt with a Muhammad Ali quote “I’m a fighter. I believe in the eye-for-an-eye business. I’m no cheek turner. I got no respect for a man who won’t hit back. You kill my dog, you better hide your cat.”
So before I decided that I just couldn’t take all the silence anymore, I have decided to speak out. After countless occasions wherein I could have just as easily humiliated her in public (but DECIDED never to), I finally did what I should have done a very long time ago.
The Price of Forgiveness
I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person so when people made stories about me, I just let them. When people in the office publicly harassed me and even changed their profile pictures and cover photos in honor of what they think I did, I just let them. Fucking Ghandi.
So when I had the e-mail for HR ready, with screenshots of all the harassment and full names of the people involved, including the QA who corroborated with the false story to probably put credibility into the made-up scenario; I let the Manager of our account talk me into just letting the whole thing go and forgiving everyone.
I thought I was being gracious and kind. I didn’t know I was giving out the wrong impression that they were right and I didn’t have any fight in me.
People say “don’t test me” in Facebook but don’t really do anything or follow up on their threat. I know I’m not that kind of person but I didn’t know my silence made people think that they could just step over me like some kind of rug. Forgiveness is for the strong huh? Bullshit Ghandi.
So when I decided to post on Facebook that I was ready to trash someone who has been trashing me all this time, people didn’t think I was serious. People were even surprised like “Woah. I didn’t think you were serious. I just thought you were bluffing.”
Bitch, I don’t bluff. When I say something, I mean it. And that’s the problem with forgiveness. When you forgive too much and just cry about the situation on your own, people will start to think you’re some kind of sissy wuss even when you were wronged.
No. I’m done with forgiveness. You want war, I give you war.
Commiting the Murder I was Imprisoned for
The office issue died down eventually but it never really went away. I knew that a lot of people (who pretend to be friends with me) were only too happy to eat up the shit they’ve been saying about me but I knew the truth, the clients knew the truth and I was fine with myself.
I never thought too much about it and I only explained myself to the people who wanted to know about the issue.
Oh, I did my revenge at the end and it’s only because of this beautiful Harry Potter quote:
“I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for.”
― (Sirius Black) J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
That’s always the trigger to my vengeful self. If someone says I did something that isn’t true, especially something like “Gama said bad shit about me” then you better watch it because I truly am. Be careful what you wish for.
I’m not going to delve into details about what revenge I did but they already know it the moment I left because I took something that they have been hiding for a while. So there’s that. But it was at that moment that I really felt relief.
So I’ll start by saying that I did something bad but only because I thought it was suitable. A person who said that I’ve been saying shit about her even if I just left her alone, deserve to have a taste of what really happens when I extend the least amount of effort in trashing her name.
When you give someone so many chances to apologize and make amends, you expect them to at least stay quiet and silent, admit they’re wrong in the very least. Yet the exact opposite happened, she made her own versions of what happened to anyone who would listen and sprinkled a lot of bullshit.
I kept quiet when I found out about what she did. I kept quiet when she made up stories about me. I didn’t even do anything when she went to Cebu because I knew that I would be sinking to a level that I never would want to sink into.
I forgave her and I thought that everything would be okay in time but shit hit the fan and I knew I had to do something.
Context 1: The Original Incident
The original incident is something that even she herself wouldn’t admit to. She did the whole thing on Steam chat so there wouldn’t be any chat logs so it was her word versus my husband’s, so I did a little she said vs. he said because I want more colors in my blog:
She didn’t even have the guts to say this to me. She sent a message to my best friend, which I read by accident (or probably not because he’s my best friend) so I only heard her version first. So imagine knowing that about your partner, from someone you trusted (that bitch).
I couldn’t believe it at first. My best friend was infuriated that my husband would do that to me, but then we started to ask for more details and that’s when things started to not make sense.
- When asked when it happened, she said it was January 2015, but that was shortly after she left Cebu. What was her reason that she didn’t talk about it then and there? She could have sent a print screen and I would have known about it immediately.
- There was a time when my husband told me “hey hon, your friend, gave me her number so I can contact her in case you need her or something.” I didn’t think about it at that time because, well, even though I had 2 of her numbers (hers and her sister’s?) and her boyfriend’s, there must be a reason why she gave her number to my husband right?
- If things happened exactly as she claimed they did then why did it take her months to come forward with this information? She told my best friend about it some time in March, only when she was about to come back to Cebu (April).
Okay, let’s try to make this easy to relate to. This may be a bit one-sided but this is how I tell the story to my friends to somehow illustrate that nothing about her version made sense, because people don’t really completely understand until it happens to them. Remember, she claims to be someone I can trust so let’s try to go along the mindset of someone trustworthy.
Question: If you were a husband and you wanted to cheat, would you go and talk to your wife’s most loyal and trusted close friend?
Rough Answer: No. Are you stupid or something? If she has high morals, she’d scold you and your wife immediately finds out about your plans.
Question: So if you wanted to cheat, who would you go to?
Rough Answer: Someone with possibly questionable morals and someone who says that she’s open about it? A whore? A wide-eyed school girl who has ill-conceived notions of love? But never your wife’s trustworthy friend.
Question: If your close friend’s husband approaches you with an indecent proposal, what would you do?
Rough Answer: I’d screenshot that shit, send it to my friend. Block the pervert. He’s not my friend anyway, he’s just my close friend’s husband. I won’t respond.
Clincher question: Would you send your number to a husband who gave you an indecent proposal?
I think you know where I’m getting at.
So things didn’t really make sense but standalone, her story pretty much convinced me she told my best friend because she was confused how to tell her friend that husband was an asshole.
I got really mad at my husband and it made me think, in retrospect, that if we didn’t have a really strong foundation, I would have ended things with him. I almost did. It was a very very dark time in my life because I’m not good at responding to betrayals, especially from ones I trust with my heart and soul.
I end part 2 of the 5-part the Grae Area between Vengeance and Forgiveness with a quote:
“The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.”
― Dante Alighieri
In part 3, I’ll delve into more detail about principles/events and why I couldn’t let go of this particular betrayal.
What is the price you had to pay for forgiveness? How much is too much for you? How do you handle betrayal without lashing back?