For Day 4 of Blogging 101, we were asked to create a post meant for my target audience. My target audience is mainly people looking for hope, fun (or both). ^_^ It might be vague as f but that’s okay.
I never thought about it, writing a blog for someone to read. It always just started with my innate talkativeness and love for stories. Everything else just fell into place.
Maybe I’ll just talk about my 2015, a topic I initially intended to discuss a month ago.
Last year, 2015, I was in a limbo. I didn’t understand where things were going. I was torn between my graduated course, Fine Arts (Advertising Arts), gaming and writing.
I got out of 2014 in a bad note, with the severe pain of my upper extremities neuropathy (which meant that any plans of pursuing writing or any profession that involved too much hand usage had to be put on hold). I wanted to play online games for a longer time. I felt like my mundane e-Sports existence consisted of ‘only’s and ‘almost’s… Only girl to ever play in MPGL Class S and almost StarCraft II Female Philippine Representative for the International e-Sports Federation World Championship (almost because I couldn’t get my Visa in time). I wanted more time to compete and I felt it was unfair that an illness had to dictate how I was going to live my life.
Despite the obvious disappointment and depression, I started 2015 with a lot of friends. I had just gotten off the glory of 2014’s Dota 2 hype and everybody wanted to be my friend. The high didn’t subdue. I was happy, trusting people and learning to get used to the fact that my illness will only get worse if I force myself to play competitive.
My Facebook reminded me of the beginning of 2015 when I started off naive and trusting; not knowing that I was just being used as a means to some end. I wish I could claim that the saying was false but, alas, it couldn’t be more true.
The funny thing about having a lot of friends is discovering that not every one of them will be happy for you. They will pretend to be there for you but you eventually find out that their presence is self-serving and artificial.. In the end, the only one you can turn to is yourself. If you’re lucky, you get one or two more people in the circle of people you can count on.
There was a dark time I thought I was alone in my struggles. Having depression, while having actual medical conditions, is such a chore to the human mind. There was a time in 2015 that I lived everyday like it were my last, because I had no intention of stepping into 2016.
Aside from my extinguished hopes of ever becoming a professional gamer, I had the pressure of being the breadwinner. How could I work if my professions involve my hands? How could I afford to buy medicine for my hands if I don’t have work? (Repeat).
I thought about ending everything.
What I Wanted vs. What I Needed
I wanted to die. I needed to live.
It was one of the most bizarre moments of 2015 that I could recall as vividly as the time that it happened. I was crying and sulking in one corner when an unknown person sent me a Facebook message saying he wanted to add me in Steam and play Dota 2. I gave my usual refusal since I get messages like those all the time but the way he responded to my turn-down was amusing. I let him continue to amuse me. We became close friends.
This person, like all the other people that stay in my life, made me strong. He brought new insight and perspective. He made me realize that what I needed was to go out and explore more. I had holed myself into a tiny box, trapping myself into thinking that nothing was ever possible (because of my neuropathy and other medical conditions such as chronic anemia, asthma and astigmatism) when in fact, I was still alive. I could still write (albeit not as frequently as I want, but it’s still possible).
When people fail you, some people will come through for you. I had just gotten out of friendship with a person I trusted very much; and I wasn’t in the mood to let people manipulate me into believing anything they said.
When people leave you, they teach you how to be self-reliant, self-sufficient and self-loving. When people stay, they teach you lessons about co-existing with someone other than yourself.
What I’m basically saying is that because of the darkness brought by 2015, I am looking at 2016 with more optimism, self-love and courage.
The people that come and go in your life, teach you something new. Embrace the pain, sadness that come with their passing but always remember to love yourself first and foremost.
If you’re going through something really bad right now, always remember:
If no one else is there for you, teach yourself to be more dependable. You know yourself best. If all else fails, know that you can count on yourself. ^_^
Cheers to life! ^_^